Sometimes I feel like my mom’s spouse hates me

Before I start with my story it should be mentioned that I’m a girl(currently 12) and have aspergers and ADHD, just to help put some things in context. I’ll be calling my mom’s spouse ‘stepmom’ just so I don’t have to refer to her as ‘mom’s spouse’ or ‘mom’s wife’.

My mom and dad were dating when I was born, and after around 8 months they split up. A while later my mom started dating a girl who she and dad had known since around 13. They got married 4 years later, I was about to become 5, and I could always only seem to remember the times when she became angry at me. There were times when she was nice to me, it just seems like the bad moments stuck with me.

Today I have a little brother(6) and little sister(1 year and 4 months) who are both from my stepmom. I don’t seem to remember any particular instance of hers, but there are things she does that makes me feel weird. Today for example. My mom has had a cat called Caesar since before I was born, and I grew up with him. and Stepmom also has a cat, named Remus. Caesar and Remus don’t like each other too much, and fight now and again. I become scared when they start to fight, and am therefore scared when I hear them running. Stepmom and mom were in the kitchen cleaning up after dinner, and I was in the living room. I heard one of the cats start running, and made a little ‘eek’ noise and jumped a bit. Stepmom then said something like(don’t remember) “Oh, yes. You need to run for your life. Why are you scared? You grew up with it!” Which, it kinda felt like she was belittleing my feelings. I replied with “I can’t help it!”

Me and my parents, mostly mom, Stepmom and I, have been getting into more fights lately, which is probably because of puberty, but that strains our relationship a bit too. When Stepmom is in the room and I think or feel I’ve done something I shouldn’t have, or just don’t know how resond to something, when I look at her for a split second. And if she notices me she says, “What are you looking at me for?” And me, being the timid person I am, reply with “Sorry.” And then both she and my mom get annoyed because they think I apologize too much, and then I say sorry again, and they get annoyed, and then I start tearing up. And then they get annoyed that I’m crying, and then we go back to whatever we were doing. I don’t know if it’s important ot not, but these things often happen at the dinnertable since I spend most of my time in my room. There was one time when me, my mom, stepmom, and brother and sister. Had either beenswimming or wnt to the movies, I don’t quite remember. But anyway, mom had left to do something else in another part of town, and Stepmom was standing around 20 meters away paying for permission to park at a parking lot. My brother and I were talking and I don’t remember how it came up, but he then said “I’m
a bit like mama (stepmom), I like (sister) and mama (my mom) a bit more.” (I’m from a country where kids start learing english in grade 2 of primary school, and he was 5 at the time, so, not a pefect translation.) That made me feel really sad.

Another thing is that I just feel a bit like an outsider at mom’s place. My mom still has her maiden name, since she felt like I would would feel out of place if I was the only one with that name in the family. This just makes me feel guilty, becuase if I didn’t exist, she would have Stepmom’s last name.

I feel like this just turned into a rant about everything I dislike about my life at mom’s place, but that you for listening nontheless. I still have things I haven’t said, but I feel happy about sharing this, for now.

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