Sad about who I am now

Half a year ago I started dating a married man. I was 14 and just didn’t know how to keep the distance. He is 20 years older than me. We became really close friends and then because we weren’t accurate enough we started liking each other not in the way friends do. We kissed, we were texting 24/7 and I only felt bad about it sometimes. We stopped after a month because we both knew it was the right thing to do. He told his wife, we were both sorry and he did everything to keep me in his life as his best friend. She knew something was wrong and I know I really broke her heart. I never thought I could betray somebody so badly. My parents are really strict about me being friends with this family but they don’t know anything about my relationships. I still felt like I had feelings for this man for sometime. I’m working on it, it’s getting better. I’m fighting with my parents to be friends with him because with them being so bad to me he is the closest person I have right now. I’m really sorry for what I did. I still have those intimate and cute memories. My first kiss was at 2pm when I got out of my friend’s houses window to meet him. I wish I was a better person. I’m so sorry for who I am. A year ago I would never think I could behave like this. I’m sorry. I would never tell my future husband about this story. Somehow this fact hurts. Everybody thinks I’m just a kid with a lot of hormones and moodswings but it’s just things going on in my life. I want to be best friends with this man forever but I don’t want his wife to feel hurt all the time. We are all texting and we keep it in secret from my parents. Secrets make me sick. Idk… It’s just messed up. I want to get better. I got worse an that’s because of myself. Yeah. But I’m dealing with it

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