It disgusts me how desperate I am.
I sat on the phone with my aunt for 3 hours catching up and the whole time I was thinking: “I wonder what it would feel like in her arms, she has the perfect build for cuddling, she looks so warm and gentle and serene. I want to feel her protective embrace. I want to protect her in my embrace too. I know this is wrong, but I want to hold her, to care for her, to be affectionate with her.”
I don’t have any attraction to her like that, as she’s my aunt, but I just haven’t had an attractive looking woman (there’s a difference between being attracted to someone and finding someone attractive looking) talk with me for so long in awhile after I broke up with my ex girlfriend. It could also be that she’s really the only family on my mother’s side that I have left as everyone is passing away now, so I feel defensive over her and my strong feelings could get mixed up in my head mistaking it for attraction.
However, there’s no denying that I would absolutely get drunk with her and kiss her all night long, and admitting that makes me feel like the scum of the earth, yet I need so desperately to get that off my chest.