I’m a Bad Friend

In 2nd Grade, I was a really shy kid, I didn’t have any friends in my class and played alone for around 2 months. Then one day, I was playing Basketball (Basically shooting hoops alone) and a girl joined in, let’s call her R. We started a conversation and became friends. Then, a Long whie later, another girl moved in, who I’ll name F. She was the best. The three of us hung out together, and R’s Friend hung out with us (her name’ll Be i)Until one day, F said she was moving to the next county. She asked us if we had our own emails or Skype so we could stay together. I was the only one who had Skype. I gave her my username. Then, I checked Skype, I had a request, it was from what looked like an adult. I rejected it. I then realized that it was probably F’s dad. I cried so hard that night. I never saw F or heard from her again. Us remaining three hung out together until two friends of i joined in at 3rd grade.their names were T, and K. T and I were best friends, we laughed and talked to each other at recess (We weren’t in the same class). We all had a lot of inside jokes and laughs. Since we weren’t all in the same class, we all met up at the monkey bars. We then would usually go to the swings and spin around the pole in different ways like, spinning with jumping or running. Now looking back, it doesn’t seem Super safe. 5th grade rolled along, and I was alone in my classroom, none of my friends from 2nd grade-third grade were there. Just me. I felt pretty shy, (not as shy as I was in 2nd grade, but shy) so I didn’t really talk or introduce myself. Lunch was really the time I made friends. We couldn’t choose what table we could sit at, we could only sit at one of two tables. So I sat at one of them, next to a blonde haired girl whoI’d be calling perfect for the rest of my life. But no, she seemed genuinely perfect in school. She always got good grades, she was kind, and silly. We had a conversation and kinda dispersed afterwards. I came back to my original group of friends and talked as per usual. Until in the future— where I’d made a couple of friends, S, A, P, TZ, SP, and the girl at lunch, E, invited me to play grounders. I said yes, because I felt like we should’ve hung out more. So I hung out with them, had a hell lot of fun, and came the next day. And the next day, and the next day, until it’s halfway through the year and I remember my old friends. So at recess I went to the monkey bars. But, they weren’t there. I went back to my 5th grade friends. But then a while later I went back, my stomach in a knot and a lump in my throat. I saw them and hung out with them. But it was only 5 minutes in and I felt like I wasn’t wanted— I’m not trying to say that I’m amazing and everyone should want to hang out with me. I didn’t really talk to anyone and they started doing their own thing. I left, again. Later, at the end of 5th grade, I was moving, literally on the other side of the world. I NEVER had the courage or chance to say I’m sorry to them. I’m not even sure if they want to hear it. I don’t care if they don’t accept my apology, I know what I did was really rude and mean. But I just want them to know. I never talked to them again. At the last day of school my 5th grade Friends shared each other’s emails. I tried talking to them on my iPad to test if it worked. I got a response in a week, but the only one one could really talk to was TZ. We texted each other. We eventually all made a Google doc and shared it to each other so it was easier to all talk at once. But in a while, I stopped talking. And I hadn’t seen anyone recently say anything. I lost contact with all of them. I felt like the worst person in the world. I forgot to mention earlier, in 3rd or fourth grade my mom made friends with someone, and that Friend had a girl my age. We had a lot of fun in her apartment, we went to the pool, made hot cocoa, went to the park, and bicycled together. But then we found out she was moving to Cambodia. It was the last night I’d ever see her, and we tried hiding her in my car or me in her closet. Awe both cried that night. Until, my dad had the great idea of making a sort of Mailbox. We got a box, put some gifts and treats in it, and decorated the outside in construction paper with tacky hearts. It looked absolutely perfect. I put pictures of me and her together, and we sent it to her place. It took a Long while before she responded, us being far away and all. I then didn’t know what to give her, and my dad gave some suggestions. I wrote a letter and we put the things in there, we didn’t have any time to send it. So we waited and waited, and forgot. The box still sits in my room today, throwing it away makes me feel like I’m throwing away our friendship, even gthough I Guess I already did. In middle school a similar thing happened to me from what happened between me and my original 2nd grade friends. My friends and I, since there were five of us, we called ourselves the Pentagirls. Creative, right? But then one of them slowly became distant and left for a month. I felt like I completely deserved this. Karma. We had made a group chat on an app called WeChat. The Friend who left, V, came up with the idea and made the chat on my phone. That meant, my phone could delete people from the chat, and one of my friends, M, had the idea of deleting her. She didn’t hang out with us or talk to us much in real life, so what’s the difference on the internet? I pressed every button to get to the point where it said “Delete?” M pressed the button to delete her “Delete?”
*Yes Cancel
“Are you sure?”
*Yes Cancel
‘You have deleted Valentina from the chat’
And from that, I wish there was I button I could press that would ask
* Yes Cancel
‘Are you sure?’
* Yes Cancel
‘You have been forgotten’

I hate myself

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