I live a lie

For the past three years, people have seen me as a type of individual that has it all during the time of University. The girls, high social status, good grades. Before college I felt happy with the stuff I did. Graduated with a 4.3. I now feel like a huge imposter and have yet to tell anyone. In reality I’m a terrible person. Lying about if I am ok. Lying about my grades. I’ve cheated on a lot of tests in college because of my incompetence. Obsessively stealing stuff because I have no impulse control. I feel the most guilty about the cheating because education is earned, not given. It has finally caught up to me and I got caught for plagiarizing my papers in my last writing class before I graduate. I don’t even get good grades anymore, C average. I don’t even know what to do anymore. Even when I’m talking to friends, I just always have a feeling nobody gives a shit even if they do. This is just not who I am as a person and don’t know how it got to this severity. I was never like this and just want my real self back and am scared for the real world after graduation. Drugs, alcohol and pornography have played a huge part. I haven’t been sober for two years. Been twice that I really contemplating just ending it all. There’s been times where I just want to drive my car a bridge, or have really twisted thought about what would happen if I stabbed this person or hit them with my car. I just wish to be a functioning person of society and give back to what it gave me, not this worthless sack of shit. Thrown my life away for what? Incompetence

One Reply to “I live a lie”

  1. Hi, I want to let you know that throwing away your life won’t solve anything and it is the worst thing you can do at this time. You see, your past might have held years where you have avoided your mistakes or your problems but that has to change.

    You have always been trying to escape from the problems or challenges:
    – Cheated in education because studying was too hard
    – Alcohol abuse because you can’t handle the fear

    You can’t live your life like this. All these bad habits of yours has to stop, and the earlier the better. Recently I read an article on “how to face and solve problems in our lives”. The link is here http://havingtime.com/how-to-face-problems-in-your-life/ . Feel free to read it. But here are some of the content in that article that I want to share with you:

    Look, it’s okay to be afraid. If you think that we all like responsibilities that much then you’re completely wrong. We all envy the days when we were kids having our minds carefree and happy but that’s exactly what it is. We ain’t kids anymore. We are grownups. On days it’s really hard to face this fact but on most days you just live through it because what we all know best is that – we can’t live our lives hiding. If we do then it’s not really living at all.

    Know this. To reach the top you have to first leave the bottom in which you’re living. You do that when you decide to start looking up and realize where you really are. You are not the only one who thought that escaping must be the best answer to all our troubles. At some point we all did and you know what, at some point, we’re all going to do it again. But that is what you should know. You are not weak, not at all, escaping is and I’m sure you will agree with me that there’ll be no problems solved if you don’t try to solve them in the first place, right?

    You have to start facing your problems. Not by thinking that you’ll delete them all but by knowing that facing them is a victory of its own. You can be afraid, but courage, my dear, never meant not feeling afraid – it meant that you can be afraid; decide to continue your path anyways.

    To throw the past behind you but keep its lessons and start looking towards the future. To be bold enough to admit that you were wrong at times because only after you admit your problems then you can solve them.

    And finally, do talk some sense into that head of yours, my friend, and show it that to really live, to really know that your life is going to be something, you must be sure that it’ll throw bricks at you but only when you decide to fight back that you really win it!

    I hope you will stay positive and live a better life. Good luck.

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