Guilt

When I was a kid, I could picture myself as an astronaut so perfectly. I was so sure that I would make my parents proud of me. But now, I’m not even sure if I’ll do good in my boards. My dad’s already calling me a journalist. He says he’s proud of my decision. But I know he’s still disappointed. Disappointed that I couldn’t give my boards last year due to my stupid suicidal thoughts and ugh what not. Both my parents have such old ass friends, their kids and all are like doctors and engineers and crap. Then there’s their child; an absolute loser. I can’t imagine the amount of shame they feel, having me as their daughter. All they’ve ever asked from me is to go to school regularly and to work hard. My lazy ass can’t even do that. Oh they desperately want me to get some weight reduces as well, lol. I hate being at school. Being surrounded by all those kids who are 100x better than I’ll ever be. Surrounded by people who probably judge me for not being the smartest or for being so absent. On top of it all. Dad doesn’t even know I skip school twice a week. Mom does, though. But she’s fine with it cuz like I eventually catch up with studies by staying up or waking up way too early. I have the most horrible personality. I can’t talk to people without shaking or sweating to the point I feel I’ll pass out. Dad thinks it’s “funny” to think that people judge me. He clearly has no idea about anxiety. I’m not even kidding, I can’t talk to even shopkeepers. This is like the highest level of being an introvert. When I confessed about this crap to my dad, he blamed himself for not having a second child. He thinks I’d be cheerful and shit if I had a sibling lol. Like how stupid can you be, dad? Having a brother or a sister wouldn’t have made me feel any less of a loser lol.

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