Disgusting

I don’t know why, instead of seeking professional help, I’m coming to an online forum full of strangers who probably wallow in self hatred just like me, but here goes. I imagine that posting this online will somehow come back around and bite me in the ass. I suppose it’s what I deserve.

I would have been 12 or 13. I was just going through puberty, horny all the time like everybody else. I really wanted to touch someone. The following events are foggy in my memory because 1. this happened years ago, and 2. I’ve tried very hard to repress these memories.

I think I had just gotten home from school, my older sister had just finished an all-night-er studying and was completely passed out. I squeezed her breast while she was asleep. I did this again to my other sister; I touched her butt while she was asleep. I don’t know how much time passed before I came to the realization of how horrible and disgusting this was, it would have been a short amount of time. I was terrified; terrified of what I’d done, terrified of myself, terrified of what might happen. At some point I became so ashamed and so guilt ridden that I tried to repress the memories and shove them out of my psyche. I wasn’t able to completely repress the memories, but I was able to put them out of my mind so I could continue growing and living normally.

For six years I’ve lived without this memories affecting me, but recently I’ve started to worry that they have been subconsciously affecting me all this time.
I have lived with intense self hatred, guilt, regret and shame, all silently boiling inside me. I think these things I did have caused me to become repulsed by sex and genitalia, and have warped my sexuality and cause confusion. In the past two years, I have had two very intimate relationships. I would go as far as to say I was in love with one of them. With both of them, these people I felt closest to in intimacy, I never once had the urge to have sex with them. I wouldn’t have objected to it if they wanted it, but it was nowhere near my priorities. This made me think I was asexual, but I worry that I am just broken. I feel that I don’t deserve to live as a normal person.

The thought that this mistake I made when I was 12/13 has warped my sexuality today surfaced a few weeks ago. I’ve felt the need to confess. I want to die. I want to restart my life so that I can erase that part of my history. I don’t know what to do.

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