depressed

I am an depressed compulsive liar and a dopamin addict I f*p too much play games too much I am bad at social life I don’t know how to talk how to be funny or intresting I got rejected by too many people that I dont want to talk to anyone until I have to I am manipulative and I dont have balls to talk to people about my problems I am only 17 yo so I cant go to psychologist by my self and pay the bill but I don’t want to talk to my parents about my problems because they aren’t good at talking an d we all have anger control problems and when ever we talk it ends whit a small fight they are to judgmental agains me but I never make them accept it (They are allways start to shouting at me about how bad I am at talking to people and bad against them and sanppish) and I can’t cry and didn’t cry for a long time even if I need to I don’t know why I had no idea about what to do whit my life I am an sadist and masochis I never had a relationship or a cloese friend the closest person I had ever been used me (but I don’t blame him because this is how the wolrd work this days) I am lonely and sad I am out of shape and physically weak I don’t have a motivation and all I do is waiting for my death while feeling guilt regret end fear for what I did in past and waht might happen in future I am extrymly scared of future the only beliefe I still had is the morals but I can’t keep up whit them because realy I don’t think that they mater anymore I have no expectation from my self and I dno’t think I am good enough to fulfill my parents and there is no one other then me or my parents who would have expectation about me because I am useless and have no meaning or purpose in my life all I can do them is probably to stay away and don’t talk to and when I don’t taşlk to people I am better whit them and more people don’t exclude me and let me stay in near them how ever when this happens I don’t talk to any one because I am scared of that they might exclude me U hate my self and other people but I hate my self more because I am less usefull to comunity I am in then them I can’t play team sports because I am to scared and unwillingly to have
contact whit other players so I can’t get near them much and can’t do much since I am scared to hurt other people because I fougt and get troubke many tşimes when I was a kid (I had atleast one fight a week when I was at midle school ) I sad thing that regret and done thing I regret the only creative thing I do is drawing but I can’t draw and that makes me sad I destroy my motivation to draw I so lonely that when some one try to talk to me I can’t understand and think they are kiding whit me so I f**ked up at conversations I am bad at english and to scared to make misstakes (and it isn’t my native language) that some times I am even scared to make coments online I dont feel that I am free to what ever I want or express my feelings and thought as I want ( I live in middle eastern btw) I over think so litle think I done in the past that probably everyone allready forget about some times I overreact and simetimes just to unmotivated to do anything as much as I am scared to do anything I don’t think there is any one who loves or likes or trusts me since I don’t talk to them much I hate my self to much and I am not sure that which one of my problems are the causes of other ones and I think my parents think about what I would say to them and then get angry even if I didn’t say any thing but I am not sure plus I don’t like them to I have
physical and psychological and familial problems that I can’t handle and I don’t know how to get help or from where I am to scared to do any thing about them because when ever I do something people get mad at me but I don’t get what done wrong or bad or harmfull and that confuses me and when they start to laugh I fell bad because of the
humiliation and can’t do anything because I don’t know what to do agains them while hurting them physically and get in trouble again so just try to get over it but I can’t some times I just cant get over what ever they throw at me I only ones showen respect by other the time that kick 3 persons ass and I can’t get respect any other way since then but I don’t want to fight whit people again all I think is every thing to stop for a moment take a deep breath at the moment of that silince but I never can I am weak and tired I want to cry but can’t and that just make want to cry moreI hate my self and my family and every other person who ever lived lives will live on this planet I dont worship a god or believe one and when I was beliving one he she or what didn’t help me very much to but I can’t say ny parents about it because again I am scared of their reaction when they hear it I lost my hope and expectations from life and I don’t know what to do whit this some times all I want is to rot in a dark silent place where noone can see hear or found me there is more but thes are the ones that I remember of and still it ook me nearly 30 minutes to write all of this I am sad 🙁

One Reply to “depressed”

  1. I am not an expert in this, but I think you should try to let your family know about this. Try talk to them when they are not occupied/busy, have a heart to heart talk with them. If you are uncomfortable talking with them all at once, maybe just have a one to one conversation with one of them. Just like most parents or family members, they may probably find it hard to believe in the beginning because they do not have adequate knowledge of depression and don’t know how to react or diagnose the issue. But overtime, when you talk more and share more of your feeling with your family, they will eventually understand the pain you are enduring. I know is tough, but it is a vital first step you need to take.

    Alternatively, you can talk to a professional counsellor, whether is in school or outside. You will feel much better after opening up and sharing your problems. Give it a try. Don’t give up.

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