Anxiety and Attraction don’t mix well together and I’m a terrible person

I recently went on a study trip to somewhere and met up with a tour guide that helped bring us along to the landmark sites. He was brilliant – witty, intelligent and quite frank with us about the history of what he was showing us – death, destruction all that pizzazz along with the slow rebuilding process. Throughout the whole experience, he had always enraptured me – smouldering looks, sheer knowledge and well, everything. Yeah I know its silly to go googoogaga over this man but hey, thats how inexperienced I was. Anyway, we would part ways and I was lingering to say something more since I probably would never come around ever. But it didnt happen because of my social anxiety. I just told myself that I can’t do anything about it, it probably wasn’t mutual and too instantaneous. I kept thinking he only indulged in my reactions because he had to. Also, it wouldn’t be possible because I seemed like a dunce and didn’t speak up much so he won’t even want to know me. I’ve only asked a question timidly – and my anxiety was really preventing me from hitting it off. His humour and references were so spot-on that I just couldn’t help chuckle but of course quietly because I didn’t want him to see me in that state and try talking to me. I would literally run away out of fear. He ended the trip with telling us he was glad it was over because we obviously were bored in a lighthearted way – but I wasn’t. Bad impression I gave I know. And my biggest regret. I would only confide in my friends later back home who chided me for not even trying to get to know him and just be myself. I guess this is my penance. Thinking about how I could have done better.

So to that man if he ever reads this:
I probably won’t meet someone like you and I should have tried to talked to you better. I hope we weren’t such a burden and it must feel bad to be quite interested in what you are talking about when the rest look so bored out of their minds but I hoped you remember the excited one in the front! Also, you were so engaging – not boring AT ALL – and my regret was well, letting my anxiety get in the way :/ but you probably don’t feel the same. Haish…

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