I cannot judge what I did was right or wrong. I don’t know that. But if I were given a second chance, I would do all of it again without a second thought.
Here is my story. First part may seem like full of self esteem, but every word of it is true, and this explanation is needed to give you an idea about me before and after this incident.
I was in a relationship with this amazing girl for more than 8 years by then. Let’s call her Ush***. Everything was going well. We were happy. I was studying engineering at the most prestigious university in my country. I was looking ahead at a perfect job with a great salary when I get out of the university. I am not boasting but I was really popular in my university. I was at the top of my faculty (engineering), and I had a vast knowledge of philosophy, religion, sociology also. I frequently engaged in intellectual discussions both in real world and social media and I was popular in that aspect as well. I had a lot of friends. People loved to spend time with me as I was really easy to get along with. This is not to say everyone liked me, but I guess most people did.
Both girls and boys openly had stated that I am very good looking. Not the muscular type, but lean, fit and cute type. Some girls approached me even after knowing I have a girlfriend. I could have get laid with many girls easily without even lying to them about my girlfriend, but I am not that type. I rejected every one of these girls without breaking anyone’s heart. I am usually really sensitive and care about other’s feelings so I was very reluctant to break anyone’s heart.
Right..That’s who I was.
One day, this friend of mine introduced me to this girl. Let’s call her Tha****. She was four years younger than me and still was studying for university entrance exams. My friend said she wanted some guidance tutoring for her exams. I always used to tutor students free of charge. I would go to their houses and teach them various subjects without charging a penny. I did the same with her. When I went to her house what I saw was a very old little house. She came from a really poor family. I mean really poor. She was also really pretty but I never thought of her in that way. In my mind she was just a little girl.
Fast forward two more years.
Everything has turned out to be as I expected. I was working at one of the biggest tech firms, and even the senior people highly respected my opinions. I was getting a great salary, and I was doing an engineering masters at my university and already had several research publications at top tier journals and conferences. I was constantly writing about the political and sociological aspects of my country to national papers and online blogs, and I was getting popular among active political visionaries also. And I was just 26 years old. And I was going to marry Ush*** in few years.
And one day through Facebook, I met Tha**** again.
My god she looked like an angel. She was already really pretty two years back but goodness she had become the prettiest girl I ever saw.
I decided to chat with her.
Didn’t think of it much, just sent her a regular message asking how she’s doing. She immediately replied and the chat went on and on. I slowly got to know what happened to her during these years. She is trying to become a model. At least she was thinking she was becoming a model.
Where I come from, if you need to properly do modeling, you need contacts, and big money to start with. Otherwise what happens is cheap photographers and producers take advantage of poor good looking girls and slowly turn them into prostitutes. And this was already happening to her. She was already sleeping with people with money, but she was so brainwashed, she thought that’s the way of the industry. Since she came from such a poor family, all she wanted was the taste of money.
I was devastated to learn this.
I knew it was non of my business, but I somehow couldn’t watch her getting destroyed like this. I got her number, and began to call her everyday. I spoke to her about different ways of looking at life. I told her there are alternatives. I talked to her about the dignity and true values of life. How she should one day regret all this. What she was doing was not modeling. It worked slowly. After about a month, she slowly realized that there might be a better path, and was ready to put her faith on me to show this path.
I was happy and called in my contacts in the industry, and got her a job as a simple cleark, as she did not have any other educational qualifications. But the salary was not enough for her to stay in the city and manage her expenses. So I paid her rent and took care most of her expenses. However, I knew she was a bright girl and this is not the job for her. So I decided to make her take technical diploma/degree and get her a job in the software industry. She was thrilled when I told her this.
But I had to plan carefully. A four year degree would not be ideal, as I knew before that I would have to marry Ush*** and after marriage I would not be able to take care of this girl the way I was doing then. So I did a full research on the industry and available courses and planned an express path for her. I paid for all these courses and she began to get brilliant results in every one of those, and I was over the moon.
One of the main barriers she had was her poor command in English. In my country, it is a must if you are to get a job in the software industry. So I bought her English books and began to taught her English. Every night, she should call me and read a chapter of the books and give me a brief explanation of it. Then we would have conversations in English. She slowly began to improve her English as well. I also tutored her in all of her technical courses. Prepared her for every exam.
As you might have guessed, by this time I have begun to go to her apartment and tutor her and spend time with her. We were beginning to have an extraordinary attraction and love towards each other. We occasionally flirted but I never went further than kissing her as I did not want someday looking back at this and thinking to myself that I did all of these for sex. Also I already told her from the beginning that I have a girlfriend and I would marry her someday. I sometimes spent nights at her apartment sleeping in the same bed cuddling with each other, without having sex. This needed unimaginable self restraint. Every inch of my body was screaming for sex. I was beginning to love her deeply. Her warmth was like heroine to me. If there was a hint of support from me, she would have given me her body in an instant.
But this restraint couldn’t go on forever. One day, cuddling went on and on and finally we had sex. IT WAS AMAZING. The physical and emotional love we felt for each other was indescribable. The feelings were unbearable she literally cried after having sex. I was having the most contented and loving feeling of my life, but not before feeling deep regret that I have somehow taken advantage of her. I told her after sometime that I would not do this again. Don’t get me wrong, I am not a saint. Every inch of my body was craving to get on top of her. But I reminded myself somehow I should not do this. Although we did not have sex after that night, the kissing became more intense after that day and we had oral sex multiple times, whenever I couldn’t control myself.
Meanwhile, my express plan worked and she got a decent job and a decent salary as a software developer. Most of all, I was able to change her attitudes. I think I could say she literally began to see the world from my eyes. Her thinking pattern completely changed. She became a respectable, kind, and a woman with self courage. She had targets in her life. Her morale values completely changed. She was an educated respectable little lady by now.
By now, we were inseparable physically and emotionally. And one day she asked me to leave my girlfriend for her!
It’s true that I loved Tha**** more than my girlfriend. But how can I just leave a girl who loved me for more than 10 years and did nothing wrong? I knew if I do that, my girlfriend would be completely destroyed. She was not a strong girl and I knew that. With every atom in by body burning, I refused.
And Tha**** decided to suicide!
Yes. Literally. She cut her wrists and drank some sleeping tablets. She gave me a call and told me what she did, and passed out. I went crazy, took my vehicle and drove to her apartment and I still couldn’t remember how I got there. Luckily she hadn’t locked the door (I think she expected me to come and save her). I took her to the hospital and luckily some of the doctors were my friends and I was able to cover up the whole incident without her office or family members getting to know it.
She got out of the hospital in few days, called me and said that she would do it again, as there is no point of living without me. Or at least, don’t marry either of them, as she couldn’t bear someone else touching me.
I had no choice. If I leave my girlfriend, she would also do the same thing. If I did not, Tha**** would have done it again. Can you imagine the pressure that was on me? I did what I thought was right at the time. I lied!
I lied to Tha**** that I left my girlfriend. I told her that I would not marry either of them, and I would take care of her as long as I can.
You might be wondering what happened with Ush***, my girlfriend. Yes next comes that part of my life.
I had to play a double game. I loved my girlfriend deeply, but my love for Tha**** was addiction. Everyday became a day of uncertainty. I had to carefully plan on how to meet Ush*** without Tha**** knowing it, and how to meet Tha**** without Ush*** knowing it. I had to manage calling times without either of them getting suspicious. A simple mistake would have me responsible for a suicide. I think no one can hardly imaging the amount of energy and the mental power it took. I deactivated all my social media accounts. I lost my social life. Began to lose touch with all my friends. I became isolated day by day. And this was affecting my job. I got severe warnings and finally they kicked me out.
Meanwhile Tha**** was getting successful day by day. Even though I was loosing everything, I was really happy about this. I wanted her to be a better and a successful person than me. I helped and guided her continuously. It was like life was draining from me and filling her, and I was really happy about it. But the day I lost my job, I knew I couldn’t play this role further. My capacity has run out. I had it the rock bottom. I was not stable mentally nor financially. And I decided to stop.
Without informing anyone, I got rid of all my phones, contacts, and left to a rural monastery. Met the monks there and told them I’ve had enough of this materialistic life, and began to live a spiritual life. But it didn’t take long for my family members to find me. And I got to know that Ush*** has gone in to a depression state and is suffering badly. And yes, Tha**** was searching for me like crazy, also suffering (I got to know this from a friend of mine).
Again, I got in to a situation. Inside me, I always knew that Tha**** was the strong girl and she would recover sooner, as long as she doesn’t see me with Ush***. But Ush*** was weaker. So I decided to finally marry Ush***, and keep it a secret as long as I can. And I did that. I kept this a secret for some time now, until very recently I saw Tha**** has married someone else through Facebook. She had searched and searched for me and finally married someone else.
I was devastated.
True, I had given her up already, but seeing her in someone else’s hands is burning me. It has been years now. It is like someone has bombarded a part of my mind. She left a hole, which no one else could fill. I love my life, but I am having sex with her by forcing my mind. I do not feel that connection with her. I am wearing a mask, to not to hurt my wife. I am keeping her happy. I show her love, but in every instant, Tha**** comes to my mind. I do not think I will recover ever, and I do not want to. I do not have targets any more in my life. I am doing a simple job, earning just enough to live. I just want to live until I die.
But I am over the moon about something. I gave a better life to the love of my life. I lifted her single handedly from the lowest social level to the highest level. She may not forget me, but she will have a good life, and I can always be happy about that. Even if she forgets me, I only want her to be happy.
If I have to do all these again, I would do all over again for my love without a second thought.