i love you, bethany

theres this girl ive known for approximately 3 years now. her name is bethany.
and i love her. now, no, i don’t want to be with her. im not homosexual, although she is bi. i don’t want to be in a relationship with her, i don’t want to kiss her, or anything.
i just love her.

our “friendship” was always teetering. we dropped it when we came into high school for a bit, and then we talked about it. i don’t know, i was possessive over my friends. i didn’t have many either, and i was hoping that bethany and i would be ride or die friends.

but i guess you could say i was jealous of her friendships. she seemed so lively with others, and a few of them, she had crushes on and would tell me.
i hoped that maybe, she would talk about me to her friends. i never really thought so.

in freshman year, we kind of.. broke off our friendship? we were mad at each other. we forgave each other and talk every once in a while now, but… i love her so much still.
you know those anonymous ask sites? or the anonymous crush sites? whenever she puts a new one up, everytime, every single time, i send her a comment. its always about how i want to talk to her again, how i love her so much, how i think shes so amazing.
she’ll respond with “omg dm me whoever this is” but i never do it. i guess im content with simply knowing she was happy with my comment. i think she knows its me though. whenever i make a comment, she’ll text me a few hours later and we’ll chat.
when we were still good friends and she had an anon website, she found out i had sent this really heartfelt and long message to her. so i think shes caught on.

my relationship is complicated with her now. my family advises against me hanging out with her or seeing her, and im fine with that. we werent the best friends anyway.
and honestly, i don’t want to go back to the way we were before, because we can’t. i changed a lot, and so did she. i still hold resentment in my heart sometimes, but my love for her as a friend is so great. i can’t even put it into words

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