unentertaining

Recently I discovered how much my sister hates me and it is something she has carried in her heart for 23 years, I found it shocking since I always considered her my friend but that’s how secretive the heart is, you’d never know how someone feels about you. Growing up I felt like I underwent a lot of heartbreaking moments and the road to healing and finding oneself has not been easy, i wish things were a bit smoother, I wish I was a bit happier, more inspired, more motivated, less alcoholic and definitely not suicidal, but here I am struggling with feelings of despair wishing I had my own shit together. AT 27 it f*cken sucks living at home, with no money, f*cken broke to the teeth and super depressed and anxious, I feel anxious about a lot of things maybe because time won’t pose for a second to wait for me, I just feel so sad knowing I could amount to so much more but I am not doing anything about it, I am very very beautiful, intelligent, funny despite the fact that I use humour as a means to deflect pain, I should stop wishing and start working, I always found writing therapeutic ever since I feel into this depression black hole with no end just cycles and cycles and more circles. I should get back to writing as a means of breathing, as a means to face my darkest thoughts, as a means to hold a conversation with the person I trust most, me, as a means to escape. Speaking of escapism, found out I literally run away from relationships or any boy who wants to seriously get close to me, I’m like don’t get too close to the fire, it burns, I am the fire and I do burn. Charles oh wait, I just got my pussy pounded by two Charles’ this year, mhhhh, not bad, but this is about the second Charles I don’t want to write this post thinking someone else will read it coz then I’ll stop being authentic and aim to please a bunch of strangers who don’t care about me and neither do I care about them, so at first I liked Charles, but the never ending questions, the demands, he is definitely not my type, I hate domineering men, I like my men seductive and smart, Kevin has really polished up his character, he knows his value, he knows his morals, and I should have never f*cked any boy. moving forward I should stop giving ass for free, pussy costs, stds are expensive and with my mental and financial state Im not ready to bring my baby into this world yet. speaking of my sister did i mean what I called her? YES. BUT the thing is I had started trusting her, but whatever happened I thank God and trust him, I know I’m not acting right, most times I don’t even know how to be right but I should be thankful I got a really good mother despite me being hard headed, most of the things weren’t her fault all she wanted was the best for us, and at this moment in life …before death and it’s permanency I should make a living and just do what I love doing, little pleasures in life, not sleeping on myself and most def not taking anything for granted,,, simple little pleasures, at this point I feel like I have given up on finding my soulmate, whatever that means, I’ll Have a few crushes here and there but I don’t know if I’ll ever find my human, my click, or it’s just another dream Hollywood sells us. people are actually darn smart and creative out there and I just wish I could tap into my source of power coz I hate hand downs and the free lunch, I hate favours coz I hate feeling indebted, I feel like I owe them for all the little favours they’ve done for me and this ring, I don’t want my success to be credited to anyone but my hard work but to be honest, it takes everyone, that’s why being selfish bites you in the ass because humans are social beings, you have to give in order to get/take… it’s a balance and i should do my soul a favour and work so damn hard like the f*cken perfect virgo I am to actualize my dreams and be on the other side of the spectrum… helping out not being helped. i can actually write on and on and on but to be honest I feel good already just speaking about how I feel and addressing those emotions, which reminds me of Ainan maybe I should pray for him, it makes me sad see him like that… turning out mediocre and the way he is tall, brilliant, handsome, it’s sad, what a price to pay,, seeing his sister become a doctor of the usa while he stays the whole day in pyjamas, crazy crazy stuff I don’t want to be in his position so that I have to use drugs in order to make the pain go away, I want to tap into my full potential and be high based on life itself, be excited to wake up, be positive minded, to manifest my dreams into reality like the goddess I am, to be my best version and not to sleep on myself at whatever cost, to love myself, to be able to let go of the childhood trauma and hate, to forgive my child self, to love my child self when no one was there… all the best

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