I’m tired of being here

Recently, I’ve realised that I might actually be pretty depressed. All my thoughts have kind of gotten worse lately, and hardly a day goes by where I don’t consider killing myself. I’ve had two breakdowns in front of my friends now, one today, and I’m so embarrassed. I always try to keep my mind to myself because I know everyone else has their own problems. When it all spills out, I hate it, because I feel like an inconvenience and like I’m making a scene. I can practically feel them all judging me. I tried talking to one of my friends about it, but chickened out after 2 minutes of talking and never brought it u again. Today, I brought a book I got as a gift from my father into school to destroy it without my mother and stepdad’s knowledge. The kid I got to destroy it decided to be a d*ck, and read out some of the note on it. Once I said who it was from, he just started breaking it like I asked. Some girls who, to be honest, have been pretty horrible to me in the past, found it and asked me about it. I cried. I hate myself for crying. I wish I wasn’t so weak and pathetic. They’d all be better off without me. That kid I told about this shouldn’t have ever known. It’s unnecessary pressure for him that I can’t put on him. They’d all be better off if I was dead. I talk a lot about wanting to die, but act like it’s a joke. I’m gen Z and most of my friends are depressed, so no one sees it as anything else. The only reason I’m still alive is because I’m scared of death. I’m getting less afraid, though. Maybe one day I’ll actually end my miserable existence. That would be great, to finally be able to leave this horrible life behind. They won’t miss me. They’ll get over it. It’s not like I’m worth mourning. I wish I was dead. Anyway, enough of my rambling. Thanks for reading the confession of a 13-year-old that hates her life!

2 Replies to “I’m tired of being here

  1. Hi my friend, I am sorry to hear that you are feeling depressed. I wish I can be of any help to you but I am not exactly sure what I can do to make you feel better. I did some reading just now, it seems like depression is something that can be overcome with collective effort from yourself, family/friends and professional therapist. So I guess the first thing you need to do is to share your story with your family or guardian or adult that you trust. Get them to bring you to a professional therapist and seek treatment together. If that cannot be done, alternatively, you can go to a counselor or professional therapist and they will be able to diagnose the issue and offer you the best solution. Please give these counselors and therapist a chance, you probably think that you understand yourself better but these professionals can give you a fresh perspective to the issues you are facing. Remember, don’t lock yourself up, let others help you. Sometimes in life, you can fall down holes you can’t climb out by yourself. That’s what family, friends and professional therapist are for – to help. They can’t help, however, unless you let them know you’re down there.

    I wish you all the best. Never give up. You have no idea of what the future holds. Hitting rock bottom doesn’t mean you have to stay there. And the best part about rock bottom is that you can only go up from there!

    You can also try calling the befrienders hotline, they are there to listen to your problem. You will feel much better after opening up and sharing your problems. Give it a try.

    Australia
    https://www.befrienders.org/directory?country=AU

    Brazil
    https://www.befrienders.org/directory?country=BR

    Bulgaria
    Sofia Hotline
    Hotline: 0035 9249 17 223

    Canada
    https://www.befrienders.org/directory?country=CA

    India
    https://www.befrienders.org/directory?country=IN

    Italy
    https://www.befrienders.org/directory?country=IT

    Germany
    Telefonseelsorge Deutschland
    Hotline: 0800 1110 111
    Hotline: 0800 1110 222

    Sweden
    https://www.befrienders.org/directory?country=SE

    United States of America
    https://www.befrienders.org/directory?country=US

    United Kingdom
    https://www.befrienders.org/directory?country=GB

    Other Countries
    https://www.befrienders.org/directory

  2. I tried to commit suicide 5 years ago. I was 17 and my mam found me in my room and brought me to the hospital. I felt almost the same feelings as you. I found it hard after I had to go to therapy. I was really embarrassed that I had been caught. I was embarrassed that my family new and I was still having those thoughts. I resented going to therapy I didn’t want go. I fought it. I wouldn’t talk to her at first. One day thought she gave me a sheet that had a family, pictures, school, friends, hobbies, religion and work. I thought this was the stupidest thing ever. She told me to think about this list and pick out what I don’t do anymore on it. She also told me to think about which use to make me happy. At the time I thought this was ridiculous. Don’t get me wrong this isn’t the sole thing that helped me stop feeling so depressed. But I do think it was a huge help. I started reading again and I started thinking about my friends and I realised I had a lot of friends that were very toxic. Like you I had many friends that had depression and it was seen as the norm as well. I realised my friends that were openly talking about their depression to me was then mirroring on to me and I was becoming depressed aswell. I had to take a step back from them for my own health. I also started opening up at therapy. I still hated though. I felt stupid. But it did help me. Its five years since I went through that and I do sometimes go back into a state of depression. I have suicidal thoughts sometimes but they aren’t as severe and I always have to remind myself I will feel better. I know it’s stupid but I write a list of things that make me happy and things that trigger me. So, I can become more self aware. I don’t know if this helps you at all. But your not the only one that feels this way. One thing I hope you take away from this is that life will get better at some point it has too.

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