im so tired

my cousin molested me several times when i was 13-14 and he was 17-18. i told my aunts (my parents weren’t there) and they questioned him, he denied it, everyone thought i was lying for attention, including my own family. my cousins on that side dont talk to me anymore. my family only now fully believes me because he also molested my sister when she visited them ( i didn’t go).
i miss my relatives. i miss my cousins. we used to be so tight knit but now hardly anyone ever talks to me even though ive reached out. i’m older now, recently 22 and finally starting to move on, but it hurts. it hurts that they so readily dismissed me when i told them what happened, didn’t even consider that he might be lying. no, it was totally me looking for attention. i hate thinking about how they so easily they brushed it aside. my aunts talk to me, but nobody ever brings it up. for gods sake my cousin’s mom messages me all the time like nothing ever happened and it makes me want to scream. it’s so hard to heal when nobody acknowledges my pain. ive been living with it for almost 10 years and i still get nightmares, i still can’t stand the dark, i still berate myself for just laying there and letting it happen. i was 13- 14 f**king years old i was still a baby, and i hate myself for trusting a family member. how f**ked is that?
i want to move on, to heal. i want to talk about it and stop holding it in a bottle labeled “avoid contact”. nobody wants to talk about it with me, it makes them uncomfortable. you know what is uncomfortable? having a 17-18 year old finger you before you’re even done with puberty.
i want to die. i want to be open about what happened, i want people to let me talk and i want to stop being f**king ignored.

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