I feel stupid and worthless

I feel as though everything in my life is going wrong. I’ve probably brought all of this upon myself, but I don’t know how to change it. I’ve just received my second year uni results, and I’ve got a 2.2 again. Last year I knew I deserved a 2.2 because all I did in first year was spend time with my ex who believed that all women should be housewives whilst all men should go out to work, and so he treated me like his slave, and because I loved him I didn’t realise how rude and ill-mannered he was to me, never caring for how I feel and constantly putting his needs above mine when I did everything for him. I stopped talking to any of my friends who he said he didn’t like and stopped visiting my family during holidays. Eventually my mum told me she would disown me if this relationship continued so I ended it. I’ve tried so hard to get over him, but I do still miss him sometimes. After I ended things, a friend of my cousin tried to use me to come to the UK permanently, and before that behaved weirdly with me when I went on holiday to visit family last year, putting me under pressure to get so drunk I could barely move (which I know is my fault as I should have said no). I tried so hard to do better this year, spent all my time reading and revising to get the best grades possible, and I would have achieved a 2.1, but the university penalised me for collusion because a friend copied my work, and failed me in the entire module the piece of coursework made up. I feel useless sitting here with a 2.2 going into third year, I don’t know what I’ll do after I leave university. I’ve applied for jobs but I’m constantly getting rejected. My parents want me to become a doctor but no university will take me with a 2.2 and I don’t want to spend my life under the constant pressure that doctors deal with. I don’t know how to tell my parents that I’ve got a 2.2 again or about my assessment penalty. I can’t sleep, I have nightmares every night about everything I’ve done, like losing my mother’s engagement ring back when I was with my ex last year (although I have a suspicion he nicked it since I lost a lot of jewellery when he stayed round). I feel useless and I feel hatred towards myself. I cry myself to sleep and have lost all faith, but I know if there is a God that it’s my fault this is happening, not his. I’m 20 years old and I know I’m behaving stupidly for someone my age, but I just needed to get it off my chest.

2 Replies to “I feel stupid and worthless

  1. Please see a counselor, whether they are a religious one or a professional. You need help from someone who won’t judge and will provide you with the best

  2. You are 20 years old… You have your whole life ahead of you. Don’t stress it too much, I am sure God will work everything out, just put in your best effort. About the ex, you need to completely delete him from your life. He sounds toxic and it will be good for you. You sound like a lovely person. Talk to someone you trust

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