I don’t even know

I feel like a mess. I am getting more stressed every day and I am not even sure why. Ever since I went back home to study for finals, I cannot focus on studying properly than I used to, and my annoying brothers are not helping either. Because of them, I had to do the house chores alone because they are not considerate at all. On top of that, my parents (especially my mum) kept scolding me for not being able to do the chores properly and that is just adding fuel to my problems. I have been feeling down lately, like extremely sad. I tried ranting to one of my very close best friends with hope that she might give me an emotional support at least, but she ghosted me. Ever since she got into a relationship earlier this month, she no longer talks to me as much as she used to even though she promised that she will always prioritizes me because I have always been there for her but I guess words are just words. I.. Am I not worthy to be happy again? Am I not worthy for an “Everything is going to be okay. I believe you can do it.” advice? I am not a social butterfly so I only have very few close friends but now, I actually feel lonely. It has been a while since I thought of committing suicide, I still do not feel like attempting it. I still feel a little bit of hope that everything is going to be alright again but I am not sure if that is going to last. My head hurts from always trying to hold back my tears in front of people because I always try to convince everyone that I am okay. I am afraid of losing more people than I already am. Why is this happening to me.. I hate this. I hate this. I hate this. All I know is I do not want to die yet, I just want to end this suffering but as day goes by, death sounds more bearable now.

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