I dont even know anymore

This moment right now is so hard for me, I can feel myself going through the same thing again, I am so miserable and lonely, I dont feel okay, my mother hates me, My friends dont even want to look at me, Im badly isolated and i cant even move anymore, I need help, I can’t do this anymore, I have no one to tell this to, Im unable to live normally, I have to understand that this in my opinion might not last but i am so sad, Im in so much pain, im so stressed and i cant feel happy, I cant even intentionally smile, I dont want to fake my laughing and happiness any more, but i cant , I am so introverted and afraid of what people think, I cant seem to change my thoughts, everything worries me, I am so imperfect and i think its okay but i cant seem to look at my inperfect self without attempting to suffocate or smoking
I have to lose weight, I have to feel the change in my body, I dont want to be averagely skinny, I need to be underweight otherwise my starving is invalid to me, I get so hungry i hate myself for it, even though its a regular thing humans too, i cannot accept it, I have no control and i cant continue to feel this way forever. I have depression, its affecting my life, my thoughts, relationships with family and friends, and even causing me to have no hope for the future. What am i gonna turn out to be with such education and inabilities? I have no idea who i am or what i like, Im constantly throwing myself back in the past, Im trying to let go but ive let go of the wrong people, I have left for ridiculous reasons and i dont know if ill ever feel okay ever again, part of me screams out that this is a lie but i also cant seem to think of any situation in which id feel better.
How can i even fake my happiness and succeed? How do people not notice how disgustingly depressed i am by looking at my f*cking eyes?
Why do they seem to only ask me when the f*cking feel like it? Only after finishing all these fun conversations revealing their educational opinions and full ability to maintain self confidence ? I cant even speak out before overthinking and regretting the single word that comes out of my mouth and god the way it makes me feel so ashamed of the things i just said
I’m so goddamn done, I literally have no one

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