sometimes life doesnt feel real, like a book that is being read aloud by some complete stranger and that i have no controll in the narative at all, like as though im sleepwalking through it all blindfolded. there are days when i snap out of this and catch a small glimpse of what it really means to be alive but those moments go by so fast that you can miss it by looking the wrong way.
as im sitting here typing this it is light out, i have not yet slept, these early morning hours where the world is quite but for the birds chirping away are my favourite its almost like im the only one alive to hear them and that they are singing for me, i almost feel as if ive stepped ut of reality for just moments and its bliss. sometimes wish i could wake up not as me but someone else just to see what its like from thier perspective, just a peek to see if thiers is better than mine.
one thing i wish to know is does everyone have this feeling or is it just me, am i the only one in this world but not in this word at the same time, i need answers to qustions i dont even have, this all seems impossible.
dreams. why can i never remember my dreams or is it that ijust dont dream, ive always thought that this was a little strange, it seems as if i fall asleep and then almost imediatly im back awake with nothing goin on inside my head like im a faulty machine that has deteriorated over time and no longer does the task it as programmed to do.
id like to think that someday ill have “made it” whatever that means, i wish to look back on these days and think “wow i was so dumb, what was i thinking” but at times like these i cant even be certain that ill have any kind of future good or bad. ive tried for years not to think this way but for some reason i always revert back to these shit thoughts like i just cant evade them no matter how fast i run or how hard i hide i always make a u turn back, i guess i could say i feel trapped but its much ore than that, so much so i dont even know how to put it into words. the future looks bleak to put it that way ive tried to picture a career but nothing fits, nothing clicks, nothing works, how i wish i could find something that sparked something, joy, happines anything literally anything and ill take it, i just wish i could find this sooner rather than later because i dont think ill be around for the later section.
the void, the darkess, whatever you wanna call it, it is engulfing me whole day by day and there is nothing i can do to stop it or slow it down, its growing and oh how i wish i cold snuff it before it ruins me. everyday i get closer and closer to complete loneliness and emptiness that i forget how tings used to be, what actual happiness felt like, i cant eve remember the last time i was actually happy, no worries, no doubts no nothing just happy. how i long for those feelings how ache to be a happy little girl walking the down the street without a care in the world, i know that will never happen not now it too late for that, too late for anything time is running out and there is nothing i can do but sit and watch as the world burns.
sometimes getting high helps me feel normal, more normal than when im sober, im not sure i understand why but there is no denying the way i feel. other times getting high is merely just an escape from the mundane day to day life, it gives it more meaning than anything could possibly ever do, all this just from one plant that for some reason is illegal, that reason being that the governments that control us all are all corrupt, some less than others but in the end money and power have a special hold over those n power and thats why the system is so royally fucked up because money can make anyone do some crazy shit, and the rich just get richer leaving anyone behind who doesnt make the cut.
friends are a tricky thing to navigate in this mess of a life, currently i have one close friend and two kind of friends, thats it a small total of 3, it just screams sad, my friends are my friends but they have more friends than me and most of the time i feel like im that one insignificant friend that is just there for the background not one to actually talk too or listen too im just there kind of hovering , waiting to be spoken to because i cant speak to them unless they talk to me first because i just dont know what to say, like ever, i get that i might have social anxiety and that kind of freaks me out because thats just one more thing to add to list of things that make me not normal, not like everyone else and that just kinda sucks really.
my mind is a mess, a shit show, constantly whirring, thinking the most stupid shit that i cant control. i wanna think normal thoughts, do normal things, be normal. im too fucked up for that though so these wishes will never be granted and a part of me thinks that thats alright but the rest of me hates every little thing about myself there are only flaws here, nothing good or pure coming from my mind not anymore. there must be a cure out there somewhere but its too far to reach and will always just be out of reach.
i have this darkness inside of me, this deep seething wickedness, and urge to commit vile acts that are beyond awful, theres no pushing this back into the subconscious, i dont know how else to describe it than that. sometimes i have thought about killing another human, not particularly a “bad” person, literally anyone, could be someone on a bus or walking though a town. these thoughts always come at the most unpredictable moments, often i just ignore them and try to distract myself and other times i would just latch onto them let them fester in my mind. i dont know why my head is like this but im indifferent to it which makes it worse. just hours earlier today i was with a friend of mine ad her brother we were talking about whether or not we could murder a person and i said no i dont think i could, that was obviously a lie, but then the question was what if it was an awful person and there was a reward for it and thats when my answer changed to yes just like everyone else, the thing is i think i am pretty certain that i would never actually do anything or act on these urges but sometimes i really freak myself out with what goes through my mind.