Broken

This is my first time ever doing a confession post like this before but I’ll start off by saying I’m 20 years old about to turn 21. My life …well… is full of sadness. Like many, I grew up in a disfuntional and toxic family. Everyone’s story is unique, but mine is that when I was very young me and my two older brothers(I’m the youngest) grew up with alcoholic parents. The fighting between them would go on for years before they finally divorce in 2008, the same year the recession hit and our family dog died on top of that. Until this time, me and my brothers had to witness my mother get beaten before our eyes and I had to witness my brothers get into fights with my dad to defend my mom when they could. These stories can go on and on. After my dad left with all of my moms life savings in his pocket, my mom has to take on the burden of raise three kids by herself. With this stress came a lot of anger,sadness, and scars with my mom, me, and my two brothers. My moms drinking began to escalate to where she was drinking every night before she went to work in order to stay stable and to cope. My brothers coped in their own way by rebellion , drugs, alcohol, and partying. Which lead to even more divide within the family. My brothers and my mom fought a lot especially with my oldest. My middle brother was getting into trouble with the law a lot. My oldest very covertly planned to move out of the house when he was 18 and when he did he basically disowned my mother and never spoke to her again. My middle brother was doing well for a time when he was staying out of trouble and doing well in school but he eventually went back to what he was doing and he ended up going down a path of destruction of crime and alcoholism. My middle brother was my best friend and the best big brother I could have asked for. But his actions he did always followed him. My oldest brother wasn’t, the same. He was entitled and all around just a horrible person to me and the rest of my family, especially my mom. As of April 18 of 2016, marks the anniversary of when my middle brother committed suicide. This sent me and the rest of my family that was already struggling with the past into a tailspin. My mom and my dads drinking got worse, I became completely closed off, and my oldest brother disavowed himself from the family.
I have been crying the whole time typing this so I’m just gonna stop it by say that this isn’t all the details of my story. But this past year has been probably the worst year of my life. The sad thing is, i have no idea what the hell is wrong with me. People say I need to go to a counselor but I if anyone should know what’s wrong with me it should be me. So how could a person who has never met me before tell me what’s wrong with me. I give up with trying to find out at this point. I’m just living day by day.

One Reply to “Broken”

  1. Hi my friend, I am sorry to hear that you are feeling depressed. I wish I can be of any help to you but I am not exactly sure what I can do to make you feel better. I did some reading just now, it seems like depression is something that can be overcome with collective effort from yourself, family/friends and professional therapist. So I guess the first thing you need to do is to share your story with your family or guardian or adult that you trust. Get them to bring you to a professional therapist and seek treatment together. I understand you said that your family members were struggling in their lives as well, if that cannot be done, alternatively, you can go to a counselor or professional therapist and they will be able to diagnose the issue and offer you the best solution. Please give these counselors and therapist a chance, you probably think that you understand yourself better but these professionals can give you a fresh perspective to the issues you are facing. Remember, don’t lock yourself up, let others help you. Sometimes in life, you can fall down holes you can’t climb out by yourself. That’s what family, friends and professional therapist are for – to help. They can’t help, however, unless you let them know you’re down there.

    I wish you all the best. Never give up. You have no idea of what the future holds. Hitting rock bottom doesn’t mean you have to stay there. And the best part about rock bottom is that you can only go up from there!

    You can also try calling the befrienders hotline, they are there to listen to your problem. You will feel much better after opening up and sharing your problems. Give it a try.

    Australia
    https://www.befrienders.org/directory?country=AU

    Brazil
    https://www.befrienders.org/directory?country=BR

    Bulgaria
    Sofia Hotline
    Hotline: 0035 9249 17 223

    Canada
    https://www.befrienders.org/directory?country=CA

    India
    https://www.befrienders.org/directory?country=IN

    Italy
    https://www.befrienders.org/directory?country=IT

    Germany
    Telefonseelsorge Deutschland
    Hotline: 0800 1110 111
    Hotline: 0800 1110 222

    Sweden
    https://www.befrienders.org/directory?country=SE

    United States of America
    https://www.befrienders.org/directory?country=US

    United Kingdom
    https://www.befrienders.org/directory?country=GB

    Other Countries
    https://www.befrienders.org/directory

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