Alone

I’m 15 and turning 16 in one month’s time. I’m sick of looking around me and hearing about/seeing kids my age having everything they dream of handed to them on a silver platter. I’m sick of hearing stories about 16 year olds that whine about their expensive car with a custom paint job that their rich parents brought specially for them for their birthday. I’m sick of coming back from school holidays, sitting through my classmates and teachers going on about their cruise trip or hanging out with their friends or whatever while all I did all holiday was stay up to 3am reading fanfics and waste my life. I’m sick of seeing kids my age being pop singers with a car with their own face on it and getting to prance around and release pop songs while having millions of subscribers on Youtube, despite being nasty jerks keeping up a nice facade. I’m sick of seeing kids my age walking around and hanging out with their friends, you know, like a normal teen – unlike me. I’m sick of being left in the dust to sit around and miserably observe everyone else having fun while I have to sit here and feel bad about existing because I don’t have any friends. I’m too strange for those. Nobody wants to be around me. I’m a sub-human doormat which everyone treads all over like a joke. I’m no human to anyone – I’m just a sub-human to be looked down on and either treated like a 7 year old or hated for being a weirdo.

My only friends either move towns or realise how much of a stupid weirdo I am and stop hanging out with me. Sometimes they even start bullying me! That’s why I’m homeschooling now. At regular school, I had like 1 or 2 friends and loads of enemies. The next year, most of my friends moved away or turned out to be fake friends, which means 0 friends and loads of enemies. At homeschool, I have no friends but I also have no enemies.

While some 15 year old pop star prances around in her room full of candy and unicorn crap, while some rich kid is going on some cruise once every few months and while some spoilt brat is turning down a car with a custom paint job, I’m sitting in my room waiting for the day I ascend to a better life where I have friends, I get to go on fun vacations, where I’m happy. I’m sick of waiting around for nothing. I’m sick of being tired from a lack of sleep and excessive stress. I’m sick of waiting for the long scar on my left arm to heal.

Everyone thinks I’m selfish and strange when I’m just stressed and tired and I just want to be a normal teenager but I will never be. I just want to have friends and be happy, but I will likely never have any friends ever again, because nobody wants to hang out with people like me. I always have to deal with my worst enemy grabbing a pair of scissors and scratching me with it, creating injuries. My worst enemy is myself.

What’s even worse is that now I have burnout from all my schoolwork, and my sad excuse for a life just being a big, chaotic mess. I’m tired and stressed. I feel sick. I want to tell my family about my self-harming but I can’t. I just can’t. When I feel emotions, I just sit there and don’t show it. I am a creepy robot who doesn’t show emotions or feelings. Nobody can tell that I am in great pain.

One Reply to “Alone”

  1. At this age, changing hormone de termine how you feel, much much more than the actual circumstances you are in.
    I can understand that feeling friendless is a deeply sad thing, but I really think that you should, a) take reading seriously, I mean what’s wrong with fanfic? Books really are man’s best friends, b) start working out. It can be done easily at home & without involving others, it will clear your head, keep you engaged, & help you develop A positive self-image

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