1st heartbreak

she was the girl of my dreams .. everything I ever wanted in a girl she was that . she looked good , {censored by admin} , she could cook , do hair , drive , even had her own car , had her own job , was smart § very independ .. can’t even lie she was a dime piece .i done heard before that men usually go after women that reminds them of their mother , always thought that sh** was bogus until I was {censored by admin} her for a while then realized that in sum ways she did remind of my momma bc how she acted sumtimes .. it was kinda weird but bc of that I really thought we was meant to be .. I done did more sh** with this girl than any girl in my life . in a way it’s like she took my virginity . not sexually ofc , but I guess yu can say my emotional virginity .. I had never been in love with a girl before , never really even loved a girl before .i done had feelings for a lot of b****es but I wouldn’t necessarily call it love , but with her it was definitely love . I mean all the sh** I done did with this girl is crazy .. {censored by admin} . she didn’t know but my whole world revolved around her .. I couldn’t stop thinking about her , § the weird thing is we never even was in a relationship.. what we had didn’t have a title on it .. {censored by admin} § we were loyal to each other , at least that’s what I thought ..I never really trusted her . I’m a very observant person § I noticed every little detail whenever we were together .. I noticed that she always put her phone face down . I also noticed that she kept her phone on do not disturb . her phone always stayed on silent .. the only person who’s texts § calls went thru were her best friend N .. it seemed suspicious to me but to prevent any argument I just gave her the benefit of doubt .. I noticed that closer to the end of us {censored by admin} she was falling away from me .. I was doin everything I could to bring her back , but I’m not a very romantic person so I couldn’t do it .. but I feel like if she really loved me then she would see that I was trying .. I would tell her that she was beautiful almost every day . I would give her compliments , ask her did she want anything or any massages . she would turn everything down .. I would tell her that I loved her almost every day . I should’ve noticed the signs .. the night {censored by admin} I told her that it was starting to feel like that we were falling apart § that I couldn’t lose her bc I needed her .. I never ever told anybody in my life that I needed them but I did tell her that night bc I really meant it .. she insisted that everything was good between us § gave reasons how § I realized that maybe I was just tripping . she was right . that alone helped me sleep good that night .. the next day I was otw back my apartment . I was driving § my mom § dad were riding with me then she started blowing up my phone . then she called me . I seen it but I didn’t wanna answer bc I didn’t want my parents in my business but as soon as we got to a gas station I got out § called her right back . apparently she wanted me to see a movie with her but I wasn’t responding so she texted her friend § asked her instead § she said yes before I could call her . I told her that she should cancel with her friend § go with me instead but she said nope § that sh** kinda hurted me but I joked around about It § we hung up . so about an hour later I pulled up to my apartment § noticed a mustang over at the basketball players’ apartments behind me . she drive a mustang . I didn’t really know it was hers so I was tryna look without my parents noticing but I couldn’t tell so I went in my apartment § unpacked . then I went outside § looked again § the mustang was gone , so I texted her “ wya “ .. she replied “ headed to flash foods “ . so I asked her was she just over here § she responded “ ya Nap was using my laptop “ … now that right then was when I realized that we would not last . I knew right then that the 11 months I spent with this girl would not reach a year . now that was strange to me for many reasons , idk if it’s just me trippin or if Im thinking right : okay 1.when we stopped {censored by admin} last semester I was told she was with a basketball player 2. I know who Nap was § I know what he drives § idk if my memory is off bc of how mad I was that day or what but I don’t think his car was even over there 3. I didn’t know she was still {censored by admin} the basketball players bc I told her not to § as far as I knew then , she wasn’t . 4. if this {censored by admin} asked HER to used HER laptop , then why the {censored by admin} are yu bringing it atw from the dorms to him when he has his own car to go get it from her . § 5. why didn’t she just tell me that she was doin that so I would know , it’s only logical , the fact that she didn’t made me feel like she was hiding sh** .. so those 5 things did not add up to me at all . it didn’t make sense .. I basically told her that we didn’t have to see each other anymore , she didn’t even respond . 3 hours later I texted her again § told her I was doin everything I could for her , I was giving this my all , so what was I doin wrong ? I just couldn’t understand what happened .. she didn’t even respond to that neither . she had my book that I needed for one of my classes so I texted her before that I was gone come pick it up tmw .. I knew she worked tmw but I didn’t know what time . I was too mad at her to even text her bc she wasn’t responding to nun of my sh** so I asked her best friend did she know what time she got off . she told me § I told her to tell her that I would be coming by to pick it up when she got off bc she wasn’t responded to me . her friend said okay . when she got off she finally responding to my messages saying that she would bring the book over later when she got off bc she would be goin home later § she also responded to the last message I sent her asking what happened to us with just a basic “ idk don’t know “ .. the sh** hurt me so bad I didn’t wanna even respond to nothing . about an hour later I gave in § texted her “ how yu don’t know ? if yu wanted to {censored by admin} another nig** yu could’ve just lmk so I could’ve left yu alone “ § she responded “ do yu want me to to bring yu your book or jus leave it with N ? “ I told her to just bring it .. I couldn’t believe how she was acting .. it was like she didn’t give af about what we had anymore .. the sh** was breaking my heart but I just figured her bringing the book to my spot would give us an opportunity to talk about sh** .. so I waited hours for her to come then I finally texted her asking when was she bringing the book . she responded idk ima just leave it with N bc ion like bein rushed .. the sh** was making me mad but breaking my heart at the same time bc she ain’t give af about us anymore .. I really almost couldn’t take the pain .. this was the same girl that {censored by admin} quit her job in the middle of her shift to come talk to me so I wouldn’t leave her . the same girl that tried to pay me money so I wouldn’t leave her … for the life of me I just could not understand why was she acting like this .. like what we had was special , I didn’t want to end sh** just bc I thought somethin I wanted an explanation just to lmk if I was right or wrong but I couldn’t even get that .. ima go to my grave not knowing whether my assumptions was correct or not about what she was doin over there at those apartments bc she never would explain it to me . we texted that night for a few hours § I was pouring my heart out to her .. it was like she was just cold hearted no matter what I said it just couldn’t be enough . all I wanted to know was what happened .. all we done been thru , all the long nights , all the tears , all the secrets , all the plans we had for the future .. all of it ain’t worth sh** . she didn’t respond to my last message that I sent § I gave her a chance atw TIL the next day , then I blocked her number .. everything is so weird this time bc usually she blocks me quick but she haven’t blocked me yet .. I feel like if she really wanted to reach out she done had so many chances , so many opportunities § she haven’t took them .. I just came to the conclusion that she was probably at the apartments with the basketball player, or even the nig** who she claim was using her laptop or hell she probably was over there {censored by admin} the whole team .. I will never know .. I even was so desperate that I asked people in my snap for his snap but nobody seemed to have it .. I’m sure sumbody does but I done finally reached the point where I don’t even give af about the situation anymore .. I’m not even worried about reaching out to her friend for the book , that’s just my way of showin them that I done give af about sh** anymore .. I doubt she gave the book to her friend today anyway bc idk if she came back to the dorms but I do know that her best friend got knocked tf out today by sum gay nig** .. my last text I was gone send her was gone be “ this sh** will come back on yu ✌🏽” but I realized it’s not even worth it , but lo § behold it’s starting to come back on her bc her best friend already got knocked out the day after . if she really is with the basketball player then her heart will be broke bc the basketball players ain’t sh** , § knowing how crazy she is then she’ll try to fight him {censored by admin}.. when she pulled that crazy sh** all I would do is laugh § hold her down til she’s calm . she won’t ever in her life meet another nig** like me § I won’t ever in my life meet another b**** like her .. i feel like God is punishing me for taking a good girl like her for granted last year .. if I wouldn’t have pushed her away the 1st time our whole life would’ve been different.. I even told her that last night while we was texting . I told her “ I done had a lot of regrets my whole life , but taking a good girl like yu for granted was my biggest one “ § all she could say to that sh** was “ I don’t know what to say “ … that sh** had me so mad . like cmon I’m pouring my heart out to yu , I’m literally doin everything but getting down on my knees § begging yu when I shouldn’t even have to . she the one that should’ve been explaining to me .. {censored by admin} . I just cannot believe it .. my whole world revolved around this girl . she was my life . she was my whole heart .. she was the exact reason why I never ever wanted to be in love with someone bc love hurts .. it hurts so bad . I can’t get her off my mind no matter how hard I try .. I never ever been the person to be emotional , I probably only ever cried 1 other time at a funeral but I can’t help but to cry thinking about all the things we did & how much she means to me .. § no one would ever know . it’s like everything is so dull in my life without her .. everything . I just keep thinking that life is pointless without her in it .. she was that special to me . ig it’s karma bc I made her feel the same way last semester when I was the only person she had left .. now it’s the other way around & she’s the only one I had left up here .. she was my lover , my best friend , my tutor , my advisor , my psychologist , my mom , she was everything for me .. she know that I needed her in my life rn .. I’m goin thru sum sh** , especially with my car just recently breaking down I really need her in my life & she knew that sh** .. I swear I cannot ever let another girl make me feel this way again idc .. she just destroyed my whole soul .. to keep myself from doin any stupid sh** like killing myself I’m just looking to God for wisdom .. I’m reading Proverbs everyday even tho im one of the least spiritual person you’ll ever meet .. I have nothing left to do but to turn my life towards God .. hopefully he’ll keep me strong enough to help me get thru this tough part of my life .. please pray for me .. if anybodgy get to this , if anybody reads all of this please just pray for me because I need it rn .

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