I know my problems but I can’t fix

I used to have depression. Yes it’s in the past, now I’m good, but I think somehow it makes my brain gets more problems. I think very slow, I’m easy to forget, I can’t even empathetic with the others too. It’s hard to espress my true feelings.
I know my problems, I know how bad I am, I know I’m not smart enough for the job too. Sometimes I hope people would forget about me because I’m something don’t need tp exist in this life.
I..am useless..right?
I mean..I can do a lot of things, but I’m not really good at them, I just ‘do’ as I can. I don’t understand things have complex logic. I don’t have common senses. I remember..I used to have, but somehow I lost it.

I don’t have feeling anymore. I mean I can know sad, angry, happy, love or like sth like these. But inside I feel like: nothing. I want to be like other people. But I don’t even know what is ‘normal’ people think.

I don’t know how to fix this if I don’t know what is ‘normal’. I try to imitate another person too, but people will notice I’m trying to fake my emotions.

I always hope I can act normal and make people happy

If there’s another life. I don’t want it, because I don’t want to see myself living as a mind problems human like I’m now.

Sometimes, I want to yell out loud, to let everyone knows that: I’m a person with a brain problem
But I cant.

I want to quit my life, but there’re still family, friends.. I don’t want to make them feel bad because having someone they know die.

I make a big mistake, because I think I’m good now, I can be energetic and fun after curing my depression, so I come outside more. Then..

I don’t want to let anyone know who I really am. The more they know, the harder they can accept ‘why this kind of thing can be existed?’

The old me, when having depression, used brain a lot. I worked and though everyday to fight back depression. I feel like that ‘me’ is smarter and hard at working than now. After depression, I feel like I lost sth, I don’t know what’s it but my mind is always as a blank paper, my feeling is the same, and I can’t understand people anymore.

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