What can I even do anymore

This is my angry rant about myself which is very vulgar. I can’t just f**king do anything I need to when I want to, I have a legitimate mental health issue I cannot on my f**king life identify and it’s ripping me apart from the inside out. All I know is I have some sh*tty anxiety and perfectionism problem. I can’t handle crowds and I can’t write or draw without one f**king moment of hesitation. Most of my grades are absolute sh*t and my body is out of shape because I don’t look after myself. I absolutely despise my brain and I have a reason to because I can’t help myself. I literally cannot do anything about fixing my brain, it’s deeply wired and I’m already f**ked up. On top of that, when I was younger, I was f**king abused (sexually) and nobody knew when it was under their noses. I was manipulated and I felt like I wasn’t even allowed to ever talk about it or I would get in trouble. The worst part is that they’re supposed to be close but they went and did that to me and that f**king a**hole knew what they were doing. I never opened up about it because it absolutely scarred me. Maybe this is why I’m so quiet and shy. Under the surface, my mind is filled with angry and violent thoughts and I can’t ever lash out because I care too much about others. Like, I don’t even know why I care about what I do or how I do it. That’s also a problem, I care too much to even shout or kill myself so I don’t have to worry anymore. Is there a way out of this hell?

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